Rant. rant rant rant. Thoughts overload. ON Tuesday, July 2, 2013 AT 6:38 PM
You know how everyone says too much computer time or 'internet access' isn't good for you?
Well up until now, I've never really believed them. I've always found somewhat of an escape in the online world, and it's never really stolen anything from me save for some valuable hours of sleep, which by the time didn't feel as necessary as they probably were. For someone that's not completely comfortable in her every day life, Internet was (and is) a nice place to go because here, I can be whoever I want and speak whatever language I want. There's really no limitations, and I think that that's what makes it so dangerous. There's no boundaries (you really can't count the "click here if you're over 18"s because honestly, would anyone ever click 'no'?) which probably is a nice change from reality where you're more or less bound by laws and rules wherever you go.
But now, as I've been forced to spend less than an hour on the internet every day, I've started to realize just how different things could've been without it. I've progressed more in Japanese during the last couple of weeks than I probably have during 3 months at home. I'm really feeling and noticing that I'm better, I can actually see the difference in how I am now and how I was 2 weeks ago, which to me is beyond amazing since I've been frustratedly stomping on the same place for ages.
I know I've had a lot of "this time, it will really change!" moments when it comes to my Japanese, and I've made promises and set up goals that I would never keep, or reach. I was feeding off a temporary motivation boost, which obviously couldn't last forever. But now I've realized that I really don't need the boosts, I don't need to feel motivated all the time. If I think that I'll never have moments of exhaustion or tiredness, I'll never progress any further. So I'm okay with my breakdowns now. I'm sure I'll live through many more until my studying is done. But I'm not going to try and fight them now, because I've found my own source of motivation.
Looking up universities was probably the thing that changed everything. I started to realize just how much I've been living in my own little fantasy, thinking that everything will work out just fine and that I have no struggles ahead of me. "I don't need to know Japanese because they will teach me that at uni", "I don't need to worry about money because I'll get loans", "I don't need to worry about getting a job after graduating". All of these are things I've lived believing in 100%, until I realized that hey, they're not true.
I realize that this rant is going on forever, and I don't expect anyone to actually read through it all, but I need to get this off my mind. I think that for me, writing it out will make it more real, and it'll finally not only be something that I think this minute, but forget the next. I have a lot of thoughts like that.
So I finally understood that Japan isn't Finland, and I'm not any more special than any other student out there. Fact is, there's only a 17% chance of me getting into TUFS, and that's actually the same chance as basically all the universities in Japan. They all have a huge amount of people applying, every single position is wanted by at least a thousand people. So far, TUFS is the only school I've found that accepts full time students that aren't fluent in Japanese. Which is great. But what if I don't get in? I can't rely on one single university, because if they reject me, that'd be the only thing I'd have. And I'm up against thousands and thousands of asian students, students that have worked hard for their grades. I can't afford to think that "it won't matter even if I don't..." fill in the blank, because it will matter. If that one "I don't" turned into an "I do", that could be the one thing to put me above somebody else. Exchange programs are one thing, but full time student is another. I really don't want to jeopardize my future because I'm too lazy right now, not when I know that I don't even have an excuse for it.
So perhaps fresh air, living my life outside the frame, wasn't so bad for me. Being here, I've actually had time to think and it was good. I like to say I think through things like these, but I guess I don't. It's opened my eyes to a lot of things I guess I didn't want to see before now, and I'm truly glad it did because now I feel like all the cards are on the table and I'm ready to get in the game. I know that things won't be easy, but I'm not expecting them to be. I actually find the challenge quite.. intriguing. Guess I'll just have to prove to the people out there that I'm good enough to be one among their 17%.
If you've read through all of that.. thanks, I guess? ^^;
Labels: japan, Japanese, my life, rant
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